Depression Hurts, But You Don't Have To.

I've never heard anything on TV that spoke to me stronger than those words.  Whoever wrote that commercial either suffered from depression or was a genius.  I I knew exactly what that commercial was talking about and I had been in those people's situations more than once in my life.  Those words, "Depression hurts, but you don't have to; Cymbalta can help" just echoed in my head.  I wanted Cymbalta to help.  I also have wanted Zoloft, Effexor, Wellbutrin, Celexa, Paxil, and Lexapro to help as well.  They have all helped, temporarily, but they have all come with side-effects and I couldn't handle them all.  Zoloft made me poop so much that I dropped down to 105lbs and looked anorexic.  Effexor made me so dizzy that I couldn't function or stand to be up on my feet.  Wellbutrin gave me hives, everywhere!  Paxil made me feel drugged and shaky.  Celexa and Lexapro both just stopped working.  Cymbalta actually worked wonders for me, gave me back some semblance of a sex drive, but it also made me fat.  I was up to 220lbs after taking Cymbalta and then I stopped taking it while I was pregnant with the twins (for safety reasons) and I lost almost 30lbs.  I started taking it again after I gave birth and I started gaining weight again.  I just recently switched medications again and lost 5lbs.

I know to some people gaining weight is a small price to pay for being sane, but when you are already depressed, being overweight only exacerbates things, at least for me.  I have gone from being a healthy 112-115lbs to 220lbs and I am currently holding steady at 193.  And did I mention that I am only 5'1"?  That is a lot of weight on a small frame.  Depression is a lot of weight on my frame as well though.

I have been battling 'depression' since I was 13, at least.  For all I know I could have been born depressed.  If you haven't suffered it, you may not understand.  You may think that you can just "shake it off" or cheer up, but you can't.  It seeps into you like a toxin and poisons everything in you and can sometimes leach into those that are close to you.  It surrounds you like a thick fog.  You know the world is out there, that happiness and normalcy are within your reach, but you just can't see them through the fog.  You want it desperately to clear, to just dissipate and allow you to see the world around you clearly and not through the haze of depression.  In my experiences, I know it my brain that everything is okay, that I have no reason to be depressed, but my body and emotions won't let me feel good.  I can remember my last really bad 'episode' and how I just kept walking around holding my head trying to convince myself that life was okay and worth living, that it was just an illness that I had to make it through and the fog would part and life would be clear again.  It was so frustrating knowing in my brain that everything was fine, but feeling the complete and total opposite.  It is different then just being 'down' or 'sad' because there is almost always a reason for that and it is temporary.  I can deal with that.  I can't deal with being at my child's birthday party where everyone is happy and all I can think about is jumping off of a bridge.  It isn't rational.  I sometimes wonder what is worse, the depression and despair or the knowing that it is just the depression talking and my life is fine.

I am choosing to blog about this for a few different reasons.  One of the reasons is because I am smack in the middle of a major depression right now and I am hoping this with be a cathartic way of working my way out of it.  Another reason is because I am hoping that some people out there can learn something from my experience or at least not feel alone in it.  This may end up being the longest thing I have ever written because there is so much I have and want to say, so please bare with me.  I want to tell my story, to let it go out into the world and to hopefully lift some of the weight that is sitting on my chest and not allowing me to breath.

I am not sure where to start.  I have never been good with plotting out what I am going to write.  I just kind of barf it up on the page, so to speak.  I just let it pour out of me and hope it lands in the right place.  So please be patient and kind to me while I try to figure this out. 

Please forgive my grammar and spelling while I write this.  Maybe once I have finished I will have my brilliant husband edit it for me so it is not so painful for you to read.