Kicking and Crying

Little Miss. Avery has found her feet.  At least she has realized that she can kick them 'till the cows come home.  I first noticed her doing it yesterday a little bit in her bouncy seat.  She would kick a little and then wait for her bouncer to stop moving and then kick a little more.  So cute.  Today she did it again and it was still cute.

When my husband got home he laid out a blanket on the dining room table to change her and when he was done he was standing there talking to me and there went the crazy legs.  Peter looked at me and asked something to the affect of "what is she doing?  Did you see that?" I told him she had just started doing it in her bouncer.  We both just sat there being amused by her crazy kicking legs that would shake the whole table.  Eventually the table shaking got to be too much for her.  She would kick, kick, kick and the table would shake and up would pop the worlds biggest pout and then the cycle would start all over again.  The giant pout eventually led to crying and Peter had to whisk her up into his arms. 

I wish we would have gotten it on video so we could share how cute it was.  I may have to have her hang out on the dining room table quite a bit tomorrow and make sure I have the camera at the ready.

The Tax Man Did Not Taketh Away!

We actually get money back and will be able to pay off some bills.  Yay!  Now we just need to win the lottery and we will be set.

Waiting.....

for the news.............

The Tax Man Cometh

He will be here at 9:30am and if I never blog again it is because the IRS took all of our money and we have to go live in the streets.  Please don't make it a year like yesterday Mr. TaxMan because we need all the money we can get.

The Tax Man Can Sucketh!

I hate having to do my taxes!  Hate it!  This is mostly because I am forced to look at my horrible record keeping system.  I do really well for a few months and then it just falls apart.  I made it until May of last year and then stopped.  This coincides with when my husband lost his job, so I am thinking that I didn't want to look at our financial situation that closely then and just let things go.  That was a bad idea. 

We had the twins, we had the nicu and we had the magical tax day come and go.  We had to file for an extension because we couldn't get our shit together.  And now, our accountant is coming tomorrow morning and I am stressed.  We have to get this done and it sucks ass!

I will be a much happier person when this is done and out of the way.  Unless, of course, we have to pay in. 

I Did It.

The babes were born on 12/27/09 and went right to the nicu.

Phoebe was discharged on 1/13/10 and
Avery was dishcharged on 1/17/10

So give or take a few hours the babes spent 18 and 22 days in the NICU.

Now back to taxes.  Fun. Not.

Girlfriends are Sometimes Like Blisters

You need them at times, like when you do something stupid and by a cute pair of shoes that are super uncomfortable.  You need them to be there and cushion and protect you, but sometimes those friends (um, I mean blisters) are a real bitch!  You can't wait to get rid of them, to pop them, let them heal and forget they were ever there.

I've always done better with guys as my friends.  You know why?  Because they aren't bitchy-backstabbing-passive aggressive-secretly want to be better than you-jealous-wish you were fatter than them-type of people.  They tend to tell it how it is.  If you piss them off, they will tell you.  If they need something, they will tell you.  They won't beat around the bush and secretly hope you will read their mind.  They don't mind if you are thinner than them or have better shoes than them.  They don't play as many games, like keeping track of how long it has been since you called them last and refusing to call you just to see how long it will go on and then throwing it in your face as soon as they get the opportunity.  Nope, a guy will call you and say "hey, I haven't heard from you in a while.  Are you too busy playing with your boobies to give me a call?". 

I don't have many close guy friends anymore because they got married to women who don't like them to have friends that are females.  Bitches.  I also have very few women friends because they get all whiny and bitchy and then I start acting female and bitchy.  Yes, I get bitchy.  Very bitchy and very female.  How do you expect me to know so much about females if I didn't act like one at times.  I used to give my guy friends great advice because I knew exactly what bitchy-female games their girlfriends were playing or what lies they were trying to get away with.  I knew it because I could be just like them. 

I try to keep my bitchy persona in check and most of the time I succeed.  I really don't care if my girlfriends call me everyday or every 3 months, really I don't.  I don't keep track of who called me last or how long it has been.  I do however notice when they are being a complete and total bitch and not being a friend in return.

I have a friend at the moment who has the potential of becoming a blister.  I am not sure if I should put a band-aid on it and let it heal and see what happens or if I should let that blister form, pop it and tell it to 'fuck-off'. 

What to do, what to do........

Maybe I should try some of this.

Happy 4-month Birthday my Little Girls!

Phoebe on the left and Avery on the right

Showing off their BabyLegs.  Aren't they cute?

Photos from the NICU reunion

Avery slept through the whole thing

Mia visiting her sisters in the NICU

Melanie holding her baby sister

So Sweet!

I just love my babies!

So Far But Yet So Close.

Tomorrow my babes will be 4-months-old.  It seems like just yesterday that our tiny babies were in their little homes in the NICU and yet it seems like all a distant blur.  I realized today that I don't actually know how long each girl had to stay in the NICU.  I read other blogs and message boards and all the moms know exactly how long their child(ren) were in their for, but not me.  Part of me knows that it was because I was too focused on them and getting them home than counting the days that we were there, but part of me feels like I should know.  So I decided that tomorrow I am going to look through all of our paperwork and find their discharge dates.  I think it we be helpful to tie up that loose end in my brain.  I guess if I know countless random facts, like the fact that chewing gum while chopping onion will stop your eyes from tearing, then I should know how long my babes were in the hospital.

Phoebe Shaun 4lbs 11oz

Avery Danielle 4lbs 11oz

The Kindness of Strangers.

It has been a long week.  Actually it has been a long year.  If you don't know us, and even if you do, you may not know that we are broke.  About a month or so after we found out we were pregnant with twins my husbands job was eliminated and he was let go.  Then slowly I lost all my daycare families as well and that left us with no income.  My husband does get unemployment but I do not because I was self-employed for the last 9 years as a daycare provider.  Then we had our babes early and that required time in the NICU and those bills are amazing...

Some days are good around here and some days are bad.  I think I figured out that I can go for about 4-5 days of holding it together and pretending things are okay and then it hits, the reality of our lives, and I crash and burn.  Today was a 50/50 day.  I was up and I was down and at one point I had to go to the bathroom and cry so my older girls wouldn't see it.  And then this happened..........

I was just downstairs trying to stay upbeat because my husband seemed down and I was dreading having to come up here for my 9pm pumping.  I just wanted to go to bed and shut out the world for a few hours, but I got my stuff together and say my butt down.  After I got myself all set I checked my email to find this email from a perfect stranger who saw a posting of mine on Craigslist (I have been selling what I can on craigslist and eBay to try and make ends meet)

YIKES ! I think you and I must have the same doctor !! lol. We tried for a year to get pregnant with a 3rd child. I had struggled with some fertility drama in the past... finally we were told unless we did IVF it would never happen.



My twins are 9 months old. lol.


I have a similar situation going on with my daycare. I would love to help you out somehow.. as I am lucky to have not, even after going into labor at 23 weeks.. having to have my babies in the NICU.


I own my own photography business as well as my daycare. I would love to offer you a first year package for free.. and take some amazing pictures of your twins, and other children for you if you'd like


Or, I can offer an ear to listen. I just got notice from my last remaining dc parent.. so We are in much of the same situation there..


I hope your twins are doing well !

My brain is still swarming with thoughts about this, but right now I can say that I so excited to know that there are still kind and generous people in this world.  Thank you dear stranger for making me smile today.

Getting Ready to go to the NICU Reunion.

And that, my dears, means pumping a little early to get it out of the way.  That also means I will be free for a full 3.5 hours.  Woo Hoo!!

I actually got to shower, style my hair and put on some make-up.  I'm smellin' good and lookin' good people!  It will only last about the 3.5 hours I am free because as soon as I am home again the hair will go up in a pony, the comfy pants will go on and I will be spit-up upon. 

I might even take a picture to remember how I look.  Maybe. 

Nipples of Steel

I think if women were meant to breastfeed or pump then we should have been made with nipples of steel.  Really, there shouldn't be any nerve endings in our nipples.  I don't have very sensitive nipples in normal, non-pumping mode, so I can't imagine what they would feel like if I did.

I mean, I know why they are.  If they didn't have nerve ending we wouldn't know if the baby was latched on correctly or if they bit down, but then maybe we should have super fast healing nipples then. I bet Super Woman had nipples of steal.

Things I Hate About Pumping

1. Time.  All the extra time it consumes.  I pump more than I feed my babes and I could be doing so much more with my time.

2. The pain.  My nipples are sore ALL the time.  It isn't excruciating pain, but it is still pain.

3. The bra's.  I am normally a B cup and can get away with not wearing a bra around the house or under a sweatshirt if I just want to run to Target real quick.  These D (or a little bigger) girls just won't let me do that and I hate it.  Bra's, especially full-support nursing bra's, are so uncomfortable.  I dream of the day I can go to bed bra less again

4. The sitting.  I hate having to sit here by my pump.  My ass and back hurt.

5. The exposure.  I am not someone that likes showing-off my tata's and belly to the world, but a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.  I am slowly getting used to the fact that I can't do much about it.  My poor family has been having to put up with me pumping at the dinner table while eating, pumping through breakfast, and pumping in the car.  If I were skinny like I used to be, I might not mind it as much.

6.  The gear.  I hate all the bottles and equipment that I have to wash every day.

7. The storage.  I really don't like having to measure, poor, label and freeze all those bags of milk.  I have a full freezer of milk in our basement, 1/2 of our regular freezer full, part of my Mom's deep freeze full, and have now asked my Dad if I can use his industrial freezer he has at home from his restaurant because I am running out of room.  That was one conversation I never thought I would have to have with my Dad.  I only used the word 'milk' because I did not want to say "breast" to my Dad.

My Pumping Schedule

Boring but informative.  If you are thinking about exclusively pumping or are already, this is what my pumping schedule has been thus far.

When I started it looked like this:
6am
8am
10am
12noon
2pm
4pm
6pm
8pm
10pm
midnight
and one middle of the night pump (motn)

That would be 11 pumping session in 24 hours.  I started pumping for 15 minutes a session and then increased to 20 minutes for a total of 220 minutes of pumping a day.  I did this for the first 12-weeks to establish my supply.

After the 12-week mark my schedule looked like this:

6am
9am
12noon
2pm
5pm
8pm
10pm
12midnight
motn

This is 9 sessions a day.  I pumped 24 minutes each session so it still equaled 220 minutes of total pumping time.

I quickly decided to drop the motn pump since my babes were sleeping through the night.  I know the exclusively pumping 'experts' will tell you not to, but I didn't listen.  I figured if my babies were sleeping through the night then so should I.  When I dropped the motn pump I increased each session to 27 minutes.

My schedule now looks like this:

6am
9am
12noon
3pm
6pm
9pm
11pm

I chose this schedule because it was close to the times I was doing before but more because it works around my families schedule.  And I am sure you've figured out the math by now, but in case you don't want to, I now pump for 31 minutes per session.

My production hasn't decreased at all with the changed, but I still make sure to check it once in a while. 

If my production stays up then this is what my schedule will be come May 27th:

6am
9am
12pm
3pm
6pm
10pm

These will be, you guessed it, 36 minute long sessions.  This is where I will stay until June 27th when my babes will be 6-months-old.  After that I will decide how much longer I want to keep pumping.  My 1st goal in the whole journey was to make it to 12-weeks and I did that.  Then I made a goal of 6-months.  As of 4/13/2010 I had a freezer stash of 1,659 ounces of breast milk and I plan on using that to help shorten my pumping life :)  That 1,659 ounces of breast milk will give me a one month supply.

Why Pump You Ask?

I figured I should tell why I pump.  You may not care, but some Mom may read it in the future and find it helpful.

I had my identical twin girls at 33-weeks via c-section.  I had preeclampsia (I also had it with my first born) and preterm labor that was not stopping.  My babes ended up in the NICU at Children's Hospital in St. Paul, MN.  Although they were 7-weeks early, they were a hefty 4lbs 11oz each and required minimal breathing assistance for just a few hours.  They were in isolettes with tubes and wires everywhere and couldn't nurse so I pumped.  The whole ordeal is still pretty hazy in my memory, but I do remember clearly waking up the next morning and being focused on getting a pump.  I couldn't hold my babies, I couldn't be with my babies, but I could pump.  And I did.

That day I met with the lactation specialist from the NICU and she gave me a whole folder on pumping.  How to pump, when to pump, how long to pump, etc.  I was given containers and labels and a chart for keeping track of my sessions and amounts produced.  It stated on the sheet that I needed to pump every 2-3 hours around the clock for a total of 8-10 times in a 24-hour period and my goal was to produce 24-30oz in that period.  Each pumping session was to be 10-15 minutes long. 

So I pumped.  I pumped every 2 hours around the clock for 15-minutes each time.  I brought saved every tiny bit.  At first the amount was so little that I needed to use a syringe to suck it all up out of the container to bring to the NICU.  I almost felt embarrassed over how little it was and that it was kind of pointless.  The NICU nurses reminded me how important the colostrum was and even though it didn't look like a lot, it was doing big things for my babies.

So I kept on pumping and I slowly started to produce more and couldn't wait until I hit the 24oz mark and then I realized that the information I was given was intended for someone who had a singleton.  I was going to have to produce twice that much!  When I next saw the lactation specialist I asked her if my assumption was correct and she said "Oh yes!  With twins you are going to want to get up to 48-60oz in a 24-hour period".  I didn't think that was ever going to happen.

I kept on pumping though.  I brought more and more breast milk to the NICU every day.  I felt like a child showing of their latest piece of artwork when they got home from school every time I brought in my bags of milk to the NICU nurses.  I was like a little kid saying "Look!  See what I did?" and hoping for a gold star.

I eventually got my first gold star on the day the lactation specialist came to ask about my 'production'.  I didn't think I was making very much and (my very favorite) nurse Sue said "she is doing awesome and is producing a ton.  She is making enough for her babies to have only breast milk now"  My second gold star was when Sue told me I was now producing so much that they had to start putting some in the freezer.  My third gold star came at home, from myself, when I realized I was making an average of 75-freaking-ounces a day!!!

I did try to nurse in the NICU and had some successful nursing sessions, but it just added stress to the whole NICU experience.  I worried if I was doing it right with the nurses watching.  UGH!  I worried if they were getting enough to eat because I would have to time it and guesstimate how much of that time they were actually eating and then try to figure out how much they should then get through their gavage feeding.  I cried one whole night because I was worried that I estimated wrong and that my baby would now be unnecessarily hungry until her next feeding.  They also had to show that they could drink from a bottle to be able to go home.  Then one twin went home before the other but the other twin couldn't come back with me when I went to the NICU because it was flu season, so I just decided to pump.

I decided somewhere along the way that I didn't care how they got the breast milk, I just cared that they had it.  I also wanted to have them home and they were doing better at bottling than at nursing and that was just fine with me.

Doin' the Pump!

I'm doin' the pump early so I can get the hee haw out of this house for a few hours! 
Twins + 2 other children + pumping + crazy messy house = me looking and feeling like Gollum some days.

My hair was actually close to looking like this the other day because I hadn't washed my hair in a while.

It's 12:39am. Do you know where your boobs are?

I know where mine are and it isn't with me in my comfy king sized bed.  Nope.  Here we are pumping away.
A woomp, a woomp, a woomp. 

So what can I talk about? 

This morning I was reading Newsweek and I saw an advertisement for Al Pacino's latest movie and I almost didn't recognize him.  I LOVE Al.  I even named one of my cats "Pacino".  I was not prepared to see my lover looking old and gray.  I came out of the bathroom (yes, I read in the bathroom and you would too if you had 4 kids to get away from) and had a little conversation that went like this.

Me: "Peter, a little piece of my heart just died"

Peter:  "Because Al is in a movie and you want to go see it?"

Me: "NO! LOOK!"

(Peter gives me a look of "what the hell you talkin' 'bout Willis")

Me: "It's Al.  He looks so old"

Peter: "Honey, he looks old because he is 70 at least"

*enter my 6-year-old daughter*

M: "Mom, why did your heart have a piece die?"

Me: "because Al looks so old"

M: "Who's Al?"

Me: "My other husband"

M to Peter: "So Mama has another husband, does that mean I have another Dad?"

Peter: "No Melmel, Mama was just kidding"

M: "Oh good"

M to Me: "Did a piece of your heart really die?"

Me: "No sweetie.  I was just joking around.

M:  "Well that's good because I didn't want a piece of your heart to fall off and die."

A little piece did die though.  I LOVE YOU AL, but I don't think we can have 'relations' any longer.  If I ever see you out in public I will no longer tackle you and drag you into the bushes.  I will just smile and think of things that could have been :)

Could it be? Really? If it is, I want it.

I have spent many of my evenings thinking about how you could improve pumping.  You have the Medela Freestyle Breast Pump which allows you to go hands free and walk around with pumping.  Now when I saw this I thought to myself "finally".  I purchased it.  I have used it.  It isn't what I wanted it to be.  Don't get me wrong here, it does help.  I love to bring it with me when I am out and about.  I love to use it to pump while I am in the car.  It really doesn't free me up as much as I wanted it to though.  I envisioned myself being able to dishes, do some laundry, or change a diaper.  I thought it would be such a better world, but it wasn't.  Those damn horns get in the way of everything and I would bump into them and my boob would get off center and OUCH!

So yes, at night before going to bed I would lie down and think of how they could improve the system.  I'm no breast pump engineer by any means, but imagined something that could get rid of the whole connecter and bottle part and let the milk travel through tubing to a container you could holster on your belt.  This way some of the bulk would be removed and you would have more freedom in your arm movement.  I thought of something you could just stick in your bra so it was fully contained.  That way you wouldn't have to worry about knocking them off center or off your boob all together.  The best part about that idea was that you could, conceivably, hold or feed your baby while pumping.  One of the things I hate about pumping is how much time it takes up, but if I could pump and feed at the same time.........oh my!!  I think the stars would fall from the sky for me.  Then I thought that they could make a pumping bra.  I don't mean a hands-free bra that hold the horns in place.  I want an integrated bra.  Somehow the horn part is molded into the cups of a bra and you could just put it on, attach your tubing for suction and it could collect into flat-ish collection bags and that's it.  You could walk around and pump and get SO much done!! 

Then......
I found this......

http://www.freemie.com/

Oh, the sound of that name....freemie....free. me.  YES!  That is what I have been talking about!!!  Finally!!  Do you know how many more women could pump and provide breastmilk if it were made more convenient?  Do you? 

I WANT these.  I DESIRE these.  I NEED these to be the answer to my dreams. 

But alas, we are broke :(  So very, very broke.  And they don't work with the freestyle pump which would completely unshackle me. 

Maker of the Freemies....make them compatible with the freestyle!  And make them so a broke Mom of twins who spends more time pumping than sleeping can afford them.

Pretty please.

With sugar on top?

And whipped cream.

And a cherry too?

Oh No She Didn't!

Oh yes I did! 

My morning pumping session yields a lot of breast milk, usually 18-22 ounces.  I covet my breast milk like it is precious gold.  I work hard for my milk and want to use every last drop.

This morning I put it on the counter as usual, but I only put caps on two of the bottles for some reason.  M&M (my daughters Mia and Melanie) were making their lunches for the day and one of them knocked over a bottle one of the fullest bottles.  My brain went a little haywire as I saw the crime scene.  Breast milk oozing off my counter, droplets of it sitting askew, and most of it haphazardly wiped up with paper towels-trying to hide the evidence.  What was I to do?  Should I yell at M&M?  Should I cry?  Should I call CSI?  I COULD NOT just throw it in the garbage.  What a waste that would be.

So I did it.  I gathered up the paper towels and then grabbed a few more towels to make sure I wiped up every last drop.  Then I carried it ever-so-carefully over to my dogs food dish and wrung those suckers out!!  Yep, I fed my breast milk to my dog.  I did it.  I admit it.  I will do it again. 

I just couldn't waste it and I couldn't wring it out and feed it to my babies, so I had to feed it to someone. 

I'm sorry Joe (our dog).  I won't tell the neighbor dogs what happened if you don't.

One Girl, Two Boobs starting anew.

I decided today to start my blog all over again.  You think crazy things at 5am while you are pumping and this may be one of them.  Before I really get started here you must learn a few things, a few rules if you must.

1. I do not spell the best.  I mean, I'm no third grader trying to phonetically spell out words, but sometimes in the heat of the moment, in my frenzy of typing, my brain and fingers get confused.  So please don't yell at me and if you do, I may tell you to sod off.

2. I have horrible grammar. Always have, most likely always will.  You can write to the public school system I attended and complain to them.

3. I am a true Gemini and seem to have multiple personalities and this also makes me seem that I have a bad case of ADD.  I ramble everywhere, over hear, over there and oh look! there's a chicken!

4.  I use a lot of punctuation that is wrong and not necessary.  I seem to love to put apostrophe's everywhere.  I even like to hang them on my wall for decoration.

5.  I make up words.  My husband find this endearing.  You may find it annoying.

I think that covers the main things and now I am off to get my 2 daughters off to school.  Yay.

Some of my Favorite Things....

Here are some of my favorite things

1. The "Itzbeen" timer. I thought it was neat when I saw it before I knew we were having twins, but now I think it is a life-saver. I don't know what we would do without our "clickers" as we call them.

2. BabyLegs baby leg warmers. Changing diapers is no fun with two babies and all those hundreds of buttons and snaps. I love using these and only having to deal with a onesie. They are adorable to boot!

3. Baby gear tote. I LOVE this so much!! I put in diapers, cotton balls, q-tips, their medicine, diaper cream, wipes, mustela no-rinse cleaner, mustela face lotion, medela lanolin, 2 itzbeen timers, nail clippers, burb cloth, my cell phone and my home phone and then tote it around with me wherever I am going in the house. LOVE IT! I also will stick in some nursings pads and pump supplies if I know I will need them soon. The best thing is that it was only $12.

4. Gumdrop pacifiers. We had Soothie paci's from the NICU, but then I saw the Gumdrop paci's on another blog and thought they looked much more comfortable (and they came in cute colors). I went to find the website and once there I found out they came in a vanilla scent too! I'm a sucker for things like that so I ordered 2 pink with vanilla scent and two purple with no scent. They love them, we love them and everybody else should love them too.

5. Wubbanubs. I initially thought these little things were kind of stupid and could be unsafe, but curiousity got the best of me and I had to try them out. They claim to help keep the pacifier in place but I don't find it helps with that much. They aren't really weighted enough to keep them on a babies chest, but I they are weighted enough to keep them from rolling out of the crib. Both our twins have GERD and therefore sleep in a Danny Sling on an inclined mattress and their pacifiers would get spat out and go rolling away somewhere into the night. With these little wubbanubs, they stay put right beside them. Yay.