Got Guilt?

I belong to a great Moms of Multiples group and someone the other day asked about twin guilt.  She wanted to know if she was the only one who felt guilty about not being able to give each twin enough attention throughout the day.  I wanted to scream through the universe that she was not alone in her guilt. 

At one of my post-natal check-ups my Ob/Gyn asked me if it was really that hard with twins.  Did it suck at times?  Did we get any sleep?  (I love my Ob because is down to earth and I am sure she asked us these questions because she knows we would tell her the nitty gritty truth)  My answer to her was that it did suck, alot, but for me it wasn't the lack of sleep or constant business that made it that way, it was the guilt.  It was the pure longing and wishing that I could somehow grow another set of arms so I could hold both my babies at the same time and as much as I wanted to.  That my body ached deep down to the core of me to be able to do this.  I hated having to feed one baby and then immediately put her down to feed the next one.  I wanted to be able to sit and cuddle up in their warmness and delicious baby smell.  I wanted to be able to swoop down and pick them both up and be able to carry them around when they were upset instead of taking turns.  I wanted to be able to spend a lazy day just cuddling on the couch, memorizing their tiny faces, letting them fall asleep in my arms and awaken still in cradled on my lap.

So yes, there is a lot of guilt.  I know it matters more to me than to them.  I know they aren't watching the clock and keeping track of who I have spent more time with.  I do it though.  Just yesterday I held Phoebe for 45-minutes and then switched and held Avery for 45- minutes.  In the NICU I would separate my breast milk exactly even for each girl so it was fair.  The nurse at one point asked me if I was separating the breast milk on purpose or if it was just coming out that way.   I told her I did it on purpose because I felt guilty if one got more than the other.  She just smiled at me and said that they would make sure it was evenly distributed and that I didn't have to go through the work.  She said that Moms carry around enough guilt and stress the way it was.

So I try my best to be fair and give them all the love and hugs I can, but I also try to remind myself that no one is keeping track and I need to relax and enjoy them.  I also need to take care of myself so I am rested and recharged to be able to take care of my family.